So, I made it. My in-patient time is up and I head home tomorrow. Dr. Conrin wants me to continue weekly sessions with her for a few more months. She wants me to keep up with my group therapy for even longer. She suggested even as long as a year, longer if I want to continue. I’m scared to be on my own…She assures me that the group therapy will help me as well as my experiences will help others that are currently where I was. Paying it forward I guess.
What if I fail? What if I cannot control myself? What if I don’t stop? What if I backslide? What if I start worrying about those models and how thin they are…
I’m supposed to stop thoughts like that immediately. I’m not to compare myself to anyone else. I’m also to attempt to stop downward spirals immediately. I’m supposed to actually write the word DELETE when negative thoughts, self doubt or comparison thoughts enter my head. I’m supposed to write it and say it out loud. If I cannot write it or say it out loud, I’m supposed to picture the DELETE key on a keyboard and repeat DELETE mentally to override the negative thoughts. It hasn’t been easy that’s for sure.
I never realized how much I compare myself to others or how often I speak negatively about myself. Dr. Conrin was constantly saying the word DELETE in our private sessions to make me aware of my habits.
I’ve developed stronger relationships with my family through this too. My mom has also gone to counseling to help her work through some of her guilt. My Dad has been a rock, as always. He just lets me know he loves me regardless. He says we all make mistakes, do things we’re not proud of and in the end, all we can do is help support the person through the rough times. That’s what he always does.
My Uncle Dean came to visit a few times too. I was so glad to see him.
We didn’t do much other than a bit of chatting and we watched a soccer match while he was here. That’s all we need though. We have so much fun together. It was so nice to just feel…normal.
Zoe came by too. She came a few times in the beginning and just again a week ago. I guess I’m not mad anymore that she was the one who told my parents. I wouldn’t even look at her when she tried to come the first few weeks.
She told me she wasn’t sorry. My life was more important to her and I could be mad at her forever and she’d do it again the same way every time. I’m still mad that we had to go through all of this because of her and her meddl …
Caleb came by to visit a few times too. Separate from the family counseling I mean. He was a bit weird and distracted, but the gesture of visiting was nice.
We played some chess. Smarty beat me. As usual. He dropped off a few books. He said Teagan lent them to him so not to you know, barf on them or anything. Brat. At least he was the only one that treated me almost normal. Some things don’t change and weirdly my brother being a brat was comforting.
This past month, in addition to all of my different therapy sessions and scheduled, moderate amounts of time in the fitness center. (Can you believe I’ve actually started taking two days a week as rest days) I’ve also attended nutrition classes with one of the girls here, her name is Beau and she’s been a great friend.
Oh! And this is exciting too! After I leave here, I’ve been signed up to start cooking classes to relearn how to apply the new nutrition information, healthy portions and reasonable macro nutrient content that I’ve learned here and how to put it together to create meals! Dr. Conrin knows how much I love to cook so she arranged these classes for me.
The brochure makes the cooking classes sound like they could be fun. I have always loved cooking and showing my love for people through the food I make for them. I’m not supposed to think of food as love anymore. Or comfort. Or most importantly: The Enemy. Maybe I can start just thinking of it as fuel … that’s my goal anyway.
While I suppose I’ll never be cured per say, apparently this is a mental illness on top of a physical disorder. (not that I’m labeling…) Dr. Conrin assures me that that recovery is possible and I can go about my normal life. I just need to trust her, trust the process and most importantly trust myself and that I want to do this. For me.
The End G02: 10
A/N – This chapter is fiction and I am not in ANY WAY a medical professional or counselor. This story is wholly a work of fiction and what works for Sim Characters may not work for you or a loved one. Eating disorders of any kind are extremely serious and dangerous. If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder please get help by calling the confidential helpline for National Eating Disorders at 1-800-931-2237. Or visit the website at nationaleatingdisorders.org