So Dr. Conrin suggested I write down all the things I’ve learned or noticed about myself or my time here so far.
This last month, I have learned that as hard as it is, I am supposed to realize that I need food to survive.
Duh!! I need to eat certain amounts of food at regular intervals. We also have sessions immediately following meals so we are surrounded by others. No opportunity to purge immediately following a meal.
Though I didn’t purge often really. That was only very rarely. I was more along the lines of a restrictive eater, (oops, labels!!) I had my safe foods and I didn’t eat much else. So my challenge is eating all the required variety of foods and the required amounts. Not so much refraining from purging.
This last month I’ve also learned that while exercise is an important part of my over all health, I shouldn’t be exercising for multiple hours every day.
duh, looking back now, I knew I was probably exercising too much.
This last month I’ve put on 5 lbs in this last 30 days and people are acting like I’m a fucking miracle child. But the weighing, the measuring, the counting, the metrics…I swear, it continues.
They just don’t tell me anything other than milestones and never more than once a week do i review the report with Dr. Conrin. I’m learning that I’m supposed to have an overall picture of my health, not a microscopic view as she calls it. I’ve admitted to Dr. Conrin that I still count the calories I eat in my head. It’s so hard not to after doing it for nearly two years of every single time I put something in my mouth.
She has assured me that is completely normal and not something that will go away immediately. She has asked me to start trying to talk to more people during meals though rather than being focused on the food. If I’m chatting and getting to know people I cannot be paying as much attention to every bite and cataloging every calorie right? I guess. I am trying.
This last month has been a blur of therapy, workouts, nutrition and more therapy. Every week I attend lots of different types of therapy sessions.
Individual session, group session, family sessions. My parents and even my brother Caleb have attended the family counseling with me as well. My mom blames herself. I feel terrible about that.
Dr. Conrin keeps telling me that I cannot be responsible for how other’s feel though. I can only be responsible for how I feel. So even though my Mom blames herself because of what I am putting her and the family through, I’m not supposed to feel guilty about that. This has been one of the hardest things for me. It’s so hard for me not to feel bad about what my family is going through because I. Caused. This.
This last month the individual therapy sessions have been hard, but the group sessions have been even harder for me.
I’m not used to expressing all of these feelings. I’m more like my Uncle Dean. We hang out, we laugh, we watch sports, we don’t talk about the ‘feels’. Telling all these people how I’m feeling and why I’m doing what I’m doing is so hard.
This last month I’ve been working out. I can workout, however, I’m not allowed to work out like three hours straight anymore. I’m actually not even allowed in the fitness center more than once per day in a monitored environment for maximum of 40 mins.
I’m also encouraged to take rest days between work outs.
Ummm hello, I can barely work up a sweat in 40 mins. I’m not taking rest days that’s for sure. And…that 40 minutes we’re allowed? It’s really only 30 of actual exercise!
The first 5 mins have to be a warm up and at the 35 min mark I have to begin a cool down. I’m also monitored to make sure both warm up and cool down are no more than a fast walk on the treadmill or stretching only.
This last month I did try this meditation class a few times that they teach here . One of the guys here, Marcus, recommended it. My mind tends to race and those times when I’ve been meditating, and in the stillness when we aren’t supposed to think of anything … my mind was at peace. For a few minutes anyway.
I may give the yoga class a try next. It’s supposed to provide alternatives to cardio workouts for stress relief and wellness. I’ve seen people doing it and it looks like something I could do.
Maybe next month…
The End G02: 08
A/N – This chapter is fiction and I am not in ANY WAY a medical professional or counselor. This story is completely a work of fiction and what works for Sim Characters may not work for you or a loved one. Eating disorders of any kind are extremely serious and dangerous. If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder please get help by calling the confidential helpline for National Eating Disorders at 1-800-931-2237. Or visit the website at nationaleatingdisorders.org