G02: 11 – Seize Your Dreams?

“Hey Teagan! What’s up?” Caleb’s heart was pounding, but he was pretty sure he sounded cool and confident.

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“Hey handsome! Nothing, what’s up with you?”

“Not too much…so I was wondering,” he began casually, “that band you love is going to be playing over at the Rattlesnake tomorrow night. Interested?”

“Holy shit!! You’ve got to be joking! I heard they were going on tour, but I had no clue they would be coming here!  Are you sure?” Teagan gushed excitedly.

Caleb chuckled, this was going so much better than he’d even hoped. “Well, yeah, I saw a flyer and actually paid for two tickets online already. I figured you may want to go with me since you like them so much.  I thought if not, I could maybe ask Jayce or something.  If you’re not sure you want to go that’s fine,”  His heart was in his throat for a moment.

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“No! No! No! I’d love to go with you,” She sounded frantic. “I just wonder why it wasn’t on their website when I checked it out over the weekend, that’s all!”

“Hmmm, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s not really public since it’s pre-tour or something.” Caleb speculated. He was barely giving that any thought. He was so excited she’d said yes!

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“…get to see Lucas Rosebrook in person!  I’m dying!” Teagan was still talking excitedly. “I cannot wait to tell my friends on the fan site that I’m going to see Epileptic Lullaby!”

Caleb smiled. He was so glad he’d thought of this. “Ok  I’ll get my Dad’s car and pick you up tomorrow. Maybe we can grab a bite after the show?”

“Sure! See you tomorrow night!”

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____________________

Caleb’s palms were sweaty when he walked up to Teagan’s door before the concert. “Whoa! You look … Wow!” he did a double take when he saw her.

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She always looked so … Teagan.

“Well, hey yourself handsome,” Teagan smiled. “Oh my gosh! I cannot wait to see them. I hope they play that new song that Florian wrote for his Fiancé.”

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Caleb had no clue about the band’s songs. He just knew that Teagan couldn’t stop talking about them. Her fan girl gushing had been especially epic when the band had released their newest single on iTunes several weeks back.

“Oh! I checked the band’s website and there was no mention of them having a stop in the States. I wonder if because it’s just in that little dive here in Oasis Springs if it’s like you said and maybe a pre-tour gig. Ooooh! O. M. G. !  What if I got to meet them backstage after the show or something!” Teagan was practically buzzing with excitement.

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____________________

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“ID,” the bouncer at the door said gruffly. They each showed their student ID and got their yellow wrist band indicating no alcohol.  Teagan grabbed Caleb’s hand excitedly and practically dragged him inside the venue. She was already craning her neck to see if the band was warming up.

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“I hope I get to meet them!” Teagan said as the door closed behind them.

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flyer

____________________

“Hey, don’t worry about it, I get it.” Teagan reassured Caleb for what was probably the 10th time since they had left the bar.

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“Well, Epileptic…Seize Your…Seizure?  Yeah, I didn’t realize it was a tribute band. Sorry Teagan.”

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“Listen, stop apologizing nerd! Like I said, one of these days I’ll get over to Europe if they don’t come here to the States before hand,” Teagan smiled gently, but obvious disappointment still showed on her face.

Caleb felt so awful. He’d totally blew it. Seize Your Dreams was a tribute band of Epileptic Lullaby. “I should have realized when you were talking about them gearing up to go on tour in Europe that if they did come here, they would have made a bigger deal about it.”

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“Yeah, they’d want to promote I bet to gather more of a US fan base I would guess,” she said thoughtfully. “Hey, everyone makes mistakes. Don’t worry about it. I can even see because of the similarities in the name …” she trailed off.

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“Well, thanks for letting me off the hook on this one Teagan. Hey yeah, for all I knew, Seize Your Dreams may have been their promotion company or something!” Caleb tried to find a way out of taking the blame for this huge error and disappointing Teagan so dreadfully.

“…and you know they weren’t that bad,” Teagan was rattling on. “If they decided to do their own originals I bet they could even become something themselves. Tribute bands always seemed like hacks to me. You have all this talent, why try to be someone else? ”

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Caleb nodded but didn’t comment. He hadn’t really even heard the music tonight. Once the band came on the small stage and Teagan realized that it was a cover band, her look of disappointment had just about crushed him.

“At least I have this picture with the band to remember the night by!” Teagan said glancing at the picture on her phone.

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The guitarist, John had grabbed her around the waist right as the picture was taken.

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Caleb couldn’t wait for this night to end. He had really messed this up. Thank goodness she hadn’t made any connection that this had been a trial date for the two of them. He was even able to laugh off paying for their meal as a way to make up for the concert.

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So much for dating Teagan,’ he he thought as they left the restaurant.  He was even more firmly in the friend zone after this debacle.

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__________________

A/N – Huge thank you to Citizenerased14 who let me borrow her sims from Ashes to Ashes for the Seize Your Dreams tribute band.  They are her sims Lucas, Florian, Mia and David.  In my story these characters are John (Lucas), Ben (Florian), Jacob (David), and Tina (Mia).  They are a tribute band for Epileptic Lullaby, Teagan’s favorite band!  Seize Your Dreams worked very hard to perfect copying Epileptic Lullaby’s image.  Unfortunately, Ben, the keyboard player couldn’t get his hair and clothing exactly like Florian’s! 🙂

The End G02: 11

Continue to G02: 12

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G02: 10 – For Me

So, I made it.  My in-patient time is up and I head home tomorrow.  Dr. Conrin wants me to continue weekly sessions with her for a few more months.  She wants me to keep up with my group therapy for even longer.  She suggested even as long as a year, longer if I want to continue.  I’m scared to be on my own…She assures me that the group therapy will help me as well as my experiences will help others that are currently where I was.  Paying it forward I guess.

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What if I fail? What if I cannot control myself?  What if I don’t stop? What if I backslide?  What if I start worrying about those models and how thin they are…

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DELETE

I’m supposed to stop thoughts like that immediately.  I’m not to compare myself to anyone else.  I’m also to attempt to stop downward spirals immediately.  I’m supposed to actually write the word DELETE when negative thoughts, self doubt or comparison thoughts enter my head.  I’m supposed to write it and say it out loud.  If I cannot write it or say it out loud, I’m supposed to picture the DELETE key on a keyboard and repeat DELETE mentally to override the negative thoughts.  It hasn’t been easy that’s for sure.

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I never realized how much I compare myself to others or how often I speak negatively about myself.  Dr. Conrin was constantly saying the word DELETE in our private sessions to make me aware of my habits.

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I’ve developed stronger relationships with my family through this too.  My mom has also gone to counseling to help her work through some of her guilt.  My Dad has been a rock, as always.  He just lets me know he loves me regardless.  He says we all make mistakes, do things we’re not proud of and in the end, all we can do is help support the person through the rough times.  That’s what he always does.

My Uncle Dean came to visit a few times too.  I was so glad to see him.

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We didn’t do much other than a bit of chatting and we watched a soccer match while he was here.  That’s all we need though.  We have so much fun together.  It was so nice to just feel…normal.

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Zoe came by too.  She came a few times in the beginning and just again a week ago.  I guess I’m not mad anymore that she was the one who told my parents.  I wouldn’t even look at her when she tried to come the first few weeks.

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She told me she wasn’t sorry.  My life was more important to her and I could be mad at her forever and she’d do it again the same way every time.  I’m still mad that we had to go through all of this because of her and her meddl …

DELETE

Caleb came by to visit a few times too.  Separate from the family counseling I mean.  He was a bit weird and distracted, but the gesture of visiting was nice.

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We played some chess.  Smarty beat me.  As usual.  He dropped off a few books.  He said Teagan lent them to him so not to you know, barf on them or anything.  Brat.  At least he was the only one that treated me almost normal.  Some things don’t change and weirdly my brother being a brat was comforting.

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This past month, in addition to all of my different therapy sessions and scheduled, moderate amounts of time in the fitness center.  (Can you believe I’ve actually started taking two days a week as rest days)  I’ve also attended nutrition classes with one of the girls here, her name is Beau and she’s been a great friend.

Oh! And this is exciting too! After I leave here, I’ve been signed up to start cooking classes to relearn how to apply the new nutrition information, healthy portions and reasonable macro nutrient content that I’ve learned here and how to put it together to create meals!  Dr. Conrin knows how much I love to cook so she arranged these classes for me.

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The brochure makes the cooking classes sound like they could be fun.  I have always loved cooking and showing my love for people through the food I make for them.  I’m not supposed to think of food as love anymore.  Or comfort.  Or most importantly: The Enemy.  Maybe I can start just thinking of it as fuel …  that’s my goal anyway.

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While I suppose I’ll never be cured per say, apparently this is a mental illness on top of a physical disorder. (not that I’m labeling…)  Dr. Conrin assures me that that recovery is possible and I can go about my normal life.  I just need to trust her, trust the process and most importantly trust myself and that I want to do this.  For me.

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The End G02: 10

Continue to G02: 11

Return to G02: 09


A/N – This chapter is fiction and I am not in ANY WAY a medical professional or counselor.  This story is wholly a work of fiction and what works for Sim Characters may not work for you or a loved one.  Eating disorders of any kind are extremely serious and dangerous.  If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder please get help by calling the confidential helpline for National Eating Disorders at 1-800-931-2237.  Or visit the website at nationaleatingdisorders.org

G02: 09 – Making Progress

“So, Conrin wants me to start thinking about all the ways I feel I’m judged by myself, other’s, my peers, pretty much everyone I have contact with,” Camryn said as Beau walked in their room after getting ready for bed.

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“Yeah, hmmm, pretty much everyone judges me. They see my black and blue hair, my dark makeup and pale skin. I’m instantly labeled goth and I must of course be either emo or suicidal. Which I’m neither by the way. I just like this look. It suits my mood most of the time. I’m comfortable this way, whether people stare or not.”

“I get that, I hate to admit it, but that first week, I judged you. I judged everyone here. I still judge Sasha.” The girls laughed together.

“How could you not?” Beau asked with hands on hips in an imitation of Sasha’s typical attitude.

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“So, I’m done here in three days,” Beau smiled.

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“I’ll miss you. I wonder if I’ll get a new roommate or if they’ll let me just go my final 15 days alone. Not that I’m counting or anything.” Camryn smiled back at her friend.

“Are you scared to leave?” Beau asked quietly.

“Yes. I know I messed up. I know that I put my family through a lot and they paid a lot for this clinic for me. I also did a number on myself. I’m scared,” Camryn said softly.

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“Me too,” Beau nodded.

“Conrin says we can do it though. And we are still supposed to attend group sessions to help us through.”

“Yeah, so I’ll be seeing you at least a few times a week until you’re out too.”

The girls hugged one another tightly.

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“So, you think you may want to try the yoga class tomorrow after school?” Beau asked to lighten the mood.  “You said you may want to try it before you leave,” Beau reminded Camryn.

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“I don’t know, it just sorta seems lame. I hate to say that ’cause I know how much you like it,” Camryn explained. “Do you even sweat?”

“Hell yeah you sweat! Also the first several times you do yoga you’ll be so sore the next day you’ll think you did a kettlebell work out!”

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“Really? You’re kidding,”

“No, for real. Try it, you’ll be surprised.”

“Ok then. I guess I’ll do it,” Camryn said flatly.

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“Well, that’s the spirit.”

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~~~~

Camryn went down breakfast the morning after she and Beau did the yoga class.  She winced as she took her plate to the table she usually shared with Beau and Marcus.

“What’s up Cam?” Marcus looked concerned.

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“Ugh, Beau tried to kill me yesterday after school. She made me try yoga since she’s leaving tomorrow. I think she thought she could get away with the murder of her roommate if she left quick enough,” Camryn grimaced as she sat down.

“So Beau’s free tomorrow huh?”

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“Apparently. I’m hoping I don’t have to get to know another roommate.”

“So what are you doing this afternoon? I think there is a Walking Dead marathon. We could binge it if you want.” Marcus grimaced. “Oh shit!  I didn’t mean it that way. I’m sorry Camryn.”

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Camryn laughed, “Oh my gosh, as if the last two and a half months haven’t taught us not to be afraid of words. I’d love to binge watch the Walking Dead marathon with you Marcus.”

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Camryn glanced down at her plate and realized for the first time she hadn’t counted the calories on her plate before putting her fork in her mouth.

Making progress,’ she thought. She glanced at Marcus noticing the strong line of his jaw and his broad shoulders. Today though she wondered if she saw a little something extra in his glance.

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The End G02: 09

Continue to G02: 10

Return to G02: 08

A/N – This chapter is fiction and I am not in ANY WAY a medical professional or counselor.  This story is completely a work of fiction and what works for Sim Characters may not work for you or a loved one.  Eating disorders of any kind are extremely serious and dangerous.  If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder please get help by calling the confidential helpline for National Eating Disorders at 1-800-931-2237.  Or visit the website at nationaleatingdisorders.org

G02: 08 – This Last Month

So Dr. Conrin suggested I write down all the things I’ve learned or noticed about myself or my time here so far.

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This last month, I have learned that as hard as it is, I am supposed to realize that I need food to survive.  Duh!!  I need to eat certain amounts of food at regular intervals.  We also have sessions immediately following meals so we are surrounded by others.  No opportunity to purge immediately following a meal.

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Though I didn’t purge often really.  That was only very rarely.   I was more along the lines of a  restrictive eater, (oops, labels!!) I had my safe foods and I didn’t eat much else.  So my challenge is eating all the required variety of foods and the required amounts.  Not so much refraining from purging.

This last month I’ve also learned that while exercise is an important part of my over all health, I shouldn’t be exercising for multiple hours every day.  duh, looking back now, I knew I was probably exercising too much.

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This last month I’ve put on 5 lbs in this last 30 days and people are acting like I’m a fucking miracle child.  But the weighing, the measuring, the counting, the metrics…I swear, it continues.

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They just don’t tell me anything other than milestones and never more than once a week do i review the report with Dr. Conrin.  I’m learning that I’m supposed to have an overall picture of my health, not a microscopic view as she calls it.  I’ve admitted to Dr. Conrin that I still count the calories I eat in my head.  It’s so hard not to after doing it for nearly two years of every single time I put something in my mouth.

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She has assured me that is completely normal and not something that will go away immediately.  She has asked me to start trying to talk to more people during meals though rather than being focused on the food.  If I’m chatting and getting to know people I cannot be paying as much attention to every bite and cataloging every calorie right?  I guess.  I am trying.

This last month has been a blur of therapy, workouts, nutrition and more therapy.  Every week I attend lots of different types of therapy sessions.

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Individual session, group session, family sessions.  My parents and even my brother Caleb have attended the family counseling with me as well.  My mom blames herself.  I feel terrible about that.

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Dr. Conrin keeps telling me that I cannot be responsible for how other’s feel though.  I can only be responsible for how I feel.  So even though my Mom blames herself because of what I am putting her and the family through, I’m not supposed to feel guilty about that.  This has been one of the hardest things for me.  It’s so hard for me not to feel bad about what my family is going through because I. Caused. This.

This last month the individual therapy sessions have been hard, but the group sessions have been even harder for me.

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I’m not used to expressing all of these feelings.  I’m more like my Uncle Dean.  We hang out, we laugh, we watch sports, we don’t talk about the ‘feels’.  Telling all these people how I’m feeling and why I’m doing what I’m doing is so hard.

This last month I’ve been working out.  I can workout, however, I’m not allowed to work out like three hours straight anymore.  I’m actually not even allowed in the fitness center more than once per day in a monitored environment for maximum of 40 mins.

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I’m also encouraged to take rest days between work outs.  Ummm hello, I can barely work up a sweat in 40 mins.  I’m not taking rest days that’s for sure.  And…that 40 minutes we’re allowed?  It’s really only 30 of actual exercise!

The first 5 mins have to be a warm up and at the 35 min mark I have to begin a cool down.  I’m also monitored to make sure both warm up and cool down are no more than a fast walk on the treadmill or stretching only.

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This last month I did try this meditation class a few times that they teach here .  One of the guys here, Marcus, recommended it.   My mind tends to race and those times when I’ve been meditating, and in the stillness when we aren’t supposed to think of anything … my mind was at peace.  For a few minutes anyway.

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I may give the yoga class a try next.  It’s supposed to provide alternatives to cardio workouts for stress relief and wellness.  I’ve seen people doing it and it looks like something I could do.

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Maybe next month…

The End G02: 08

Continue to G02: 09

Return to G02: 07

A/N – This chapter is fiction and I am not in ANY WAY a medical professional or counselor.  This story is completely a work of fiction and what works for Sim Characters may not work for you or a loved one.  Eating disorders of any kind are extremely serious and dangerous.  If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder please get help by calling the confidential helpline for National Eating Disorders at 1-800-931-2237.  Or visit the website at nationaleatingdisorders.org

G02: 07 – Friends

Camryn’s doctor recommended in our family counseling session that we all start keeping a journal.

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I’m not really sure why, but Dr. Conrin said it may help me figure some things out and help with emotions that I may not know how to handle. What the heck, what can it hurt right?

So, even though the family is going through some major drama right now, is it wrong of me to not really want to write about Camryn? I mean the whole family is wrapped up in what’s going on with her. I may write a bit about Cam, but if this journal is supposed to be for me…I don’t think she needs to be the focus. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister and she’s going through something major right now, but it’s her stuff, not mine. Right?

After our most recent family counseling session with Dr. Conrin, (we have two a week, one with Cam and one with just me, Mom and Dad) I met Teagan at the park.

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She’s been great through this. It reminds me of when her Mom & Dad were divorcing last year. We met almost every day then too. She’s such a great friend.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if there were between us than just friends.  If I hold her hand, or hug her I start to think about how it would be if she were my girlfriend.

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But I don’t know, Girlfriend seems like such a big step. Not that I have a ton of girls knocking down my door to date, but it just really limits any other options to take that step. Plus, she probably doesn’t seem to want to date anyway. The way she acts around me is almost like she would with a brother.

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We’re best friends. But other than the occasional hug or hand holding, She’s never really tried to make any moves or anything that would indicate she wanted more.

That band Teagan likes is coming into town next month. I should see if she wants to go.  I could pay for the tickets and everything. My weekend landscaping job is working out pretty well and I could afford to pay. Perhaps like a trial date for us and see what happens. I can laugh it off as a friends thing if it gets weird.

Ah well, like I said, I don’t know I’m ready to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship anyway, we’re friends, we have fun together.

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What more could I ask for?

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I think I’m going to go visit Camryn a bit more often. Uncle Dean has been to see her and he’s mentioned to Dad just how much it cheered Cam up that he dropped by. Maybe I’ll go in and beat her at chess a time or two. Maybe I’ll let her win one though, that could really cheer her up.

School’s kinda sucked lately. I didn’t feel like running all the laps during gym,  we were doing a fitness eval, but I ducked out behind the bleachers and fell asleep. Mr. Hart wasn’t happy about that when he caught me. He sent a slip home for my parents to sign.

peletter

I may just sign it and return it, but I’d hate for it to be brought up at P/T conferences. I’ll talk to Teagan about it. I know I shouldn’t sign it, but I just don’t feel like adding to the stress load for Mom and Dad right now. With Cam in the clinic, they have so much going on what with taking care of Carter and everything else with their jobs etc, I just don’t want to add Mr. Hart’s power trip on top of it all for them. I get plenty of exercise with my landscaping job over the weekends.

Anyway, I should probably get some homework done. Caleb Delaney out.  (Yeah, that was dumb…)

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The End G02: 07

Continue to G02: 08

Return to G02: 06